I was listening to audiobook on the train when I realized I missed my stop. I was patiently waiting for the next stop with a turnaround point when chaos ensued, and an insecurity was triggered.
All of a sudden, the young man who was sitting directly in front of me became clouded over by another man who was all up in his face. Being a New Yorker, I immediately detected the aggressive body language of the man who had come into my eye line. I turned my headphones off, got up, and realized even if I had to pay again to turn around, this was going to be my stop.
I heard the man, who was black, yelling to the young guy sitting down, who was white. He was telling the white guy to stop looking at him, called him racist, and lazy. He yelled that the white guy didn’t have a job, unlike him. The white guy just looked at him the whole time with a scared and confused look on his face, without saying a word. Everyone else in the train looked on to make sure the craziness stayed contained.
The Trigger Point
Time seemed to slow down as I waited anxiously for the train to pull into the next station. I had stood up from my seat because I was too close to the line of the man’s fiery wrath. As we pulled into the station, the black man suddenly decided to take his attention away from the white guy and he yelled “Fuck you too you ugly ass Asian bitch”
That was the last thing I heard as the train finally opened its doors. Luckily, I was free from the environment of negativity that the man had decided to spew on the train. Even though I left, his words rang in my ear. Was he talking about me? I asked myself over and over. I didn’t know for sure and actually I’m not even Asian but sometimes people assume that I am.
An Opportunity for Reflection
He had triggered an insecurity I’ve been having about my self-esteem and the way that I look. An insecurity as to whether or not others find me beautiful. Who doesn’t want to be deemed as beautiful? Especially as a young woman.
As much as I tried to reaffirm to myself that I am beautiful, repeating affirmations over and over in my head, his nasty words still echoed in my mind.
Checking the Source
I believe in my heart that the way we treat others is a reflection of how we are feeling. He was calling a white guy who didn’t say anything at all, “a racist.” Then he turned around and called me (or someone else on the train) Asian in a way that implied it was a bad thing to be.
I was triggered, and I asked myself why does this bother me so much? He hit an insecurity and no matter how much I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to remind myself of my beauty, it was not working. Finally I took a step back and remembered to look at the source. A disturbed man (potentially) found me to be ugly.
This guy was clearly delusional and a little disturbed to pick fights on the train on a random afternoon. Is that someone who I would even want to find me attractive? Absolutely not!
Thinking about looking at the source of the comment helped me a lot more than just trying to stuff my feelings down with positive affirmations.
Different Tools for Different Needs
Yes, positive affirmations are a great tool to help in many situations. But sometimes you need a different kind of tool. I’m glad I was able to take a step back and reframe the situation in a different situation by looking at the source. I am now more at peace with the situation, with myself, and even with the man. I’ve forgive him for lashing out, and I’m grateful for getting myself out of that situation. Being triggered is also something I’m grateful for now, because it showed me how I was able to calmly control the narrative through trial and error and grow from it.
Not everyone is going to love you. Not everyone will deem you attractive. But as long as you are receiving love and giving love to the people you value most, then that is enough.
I feel more at peace now and I do feel beautiful today.
For more about who I am, check out New Blog, Who Dis?
Sending you love,
A Grower not a show-er
